Perspektif Orang Over-thinking : Kenekatan (Series No.2) (eng)

I'm starting to feel like these posts are just extensions of the 'About me' page because I guess each of them has a little part of me in it. I just want to say, that I know that people have different characters and styles, but if there's ever someone out there that sometimes feels and looks at things the way I see it, I'm just here to type it. That's why I started this series, it's kind of like a journal for me but for someone reading this that's taking the same choices and point of view as I am, my hope is to comfort you in this big world, so welcome to my over-thinking perspective, you're not alone.

To set the record straight, I'm not very good at confrontations especially intimidating ones, it's just never in my blood or maybe I have no intentions of using it, again. I've used it once or twice and believe me it's not a good color on me (not going to type about it don't worry). So for me, to have little moments of bravery to stand up to someone is really an improvement for myself. I remember some confrontation moments I had over the past years and it makes my heart pound again and my hatred to the person a little bit more. Believe me I try not to be a person who holds grudges, but sometimes a play by play of the scene makes it feel like it was just yesterday. But to be honest, I don't confront often, so for people like me who doesn't do "the truth talk" for some time (I'm not sure that's what people call it), after the peak moment has passed your heart pounds, hands sweat, and eyes are just full of rage. But then there's the mind and we aaalll know that pessimistic or apologized or both have bigger problems there than just heart pounding and hand sweating.

First, there's confusion. I don't know if any of you ever experienced it, but I have and it's exhausting. I will be questioning what just happened, why I did it, what is going to happen next, and sometimes I can't know what's going to happen next or how did he/she reacts because I've already walked away or stormed out. Why? Because it was in the heat of the moment and I snapped. I don't do well in those type of moments, storming out is not my thing. And I wouldn't say questioning is something I HAVE to do, but it gives me a little apologized and prepared to face any situation knowing that I have cross-checked the possibilities and the outcomes. I know as I typed I feel like I am a crazy person, but it just works for me.

Then there's guilt, ohhh I hate myself when I'm in this phase. I know that people in general have guilt after a mistake or a fight, but it's waaay different than the guilt that over-thinkers have. Because after I contemplate with a heavy heart, I think of different scenarios of 'what if' questions in my own head. What I could've said, what I could've done, whether it's just so that people respect me, don't underestimate me, or just myself doing the right thing, because at the moment of action I seem to have never said or done it the way that is right for me and it bothers a lot.

Then self-encouraging, which is as bad as the other phases. Because as soon as you start getting back up on your feet feeling confident you did the right thing (or after you apologized because you did the wrong thing) you still feel like c$@%, no scratch that, you still feel sorry, for yourself, the person, people that give you advice but not the ones that you're looking for, it's never right, at least for me. These sorts of moments linger with people like myself. Saying that I did the right thing with sureness makes myself do more thinking 'maybe it wasn't the right thing to do' and other maybes. I guess that's why I rarely confront anyone because I know the consequences of what my mind will have to suffer if I do. But I need you to know, that it has brought me massive regrets from time to time, there are still people out there that have never heard a piece of my mind about things because I am too scared to speak, because of all the thinking and contemplating, that I just force my mind to try to forget about it and that happens a lot and I am convinced that I have missed a lot of friendships, confronting misunderstandings, standing up to opinions, inappropriate behaviors, and others. I held back for too long and it will be considered a grudge if I bring it up at this point.

Believe me, those are not just the three phases that I go through, I'm sure there's a 'blank mind moment' or a 'stress snacking moment' somewhere in the middle, but that's not the point. I am not saying try not to overthink, because you can't be something that you're not comfortable being. But I actually think 'heat of the moment' moments are good for me (sometimes), I have taken quite a few leaps on certain things in my life, some I regret obviously, but some are wonderful and I wouldn't take it back for one second. And for a person who likes everything under control and prepared, 'take the leap' moments are the worst. Time ticking, the rush to choose, even thinking about it makes me sweat. Because being prepared just feels good, and reassuring what you're going to face in the world. But there are just some things in life that I can't explain that you just have to let it be. Encouragement from family and friends, sweet words from people you admire and respect, motivations from people who guide you, (WITHOUT your overflowed mind) sometimes just have to be enough. From them, I know that it wouldn't kill me to be optimistic once in a while, even though it's not something that can magically happen overnight, but other than trying to be the best version of myself, they're the reason I want to be optimistic because they want what's best for me and I appreciate that, though it's for my own good too (and believe me for the whole world too). As long as you think it's right, then you have nothing to overthink about. So take the leap.

Or don't. I don't know... *over-thinking*

You've Got Mail, 1988. My all-time favorite movie.